What Do You Mean I Don't Know Anything?

As this seems to be the day for all media commentators to be predicting who’s going to win the Oscars, here’s my judgements, as someone who has seen one of the films nominated for the big prizes (Juno). But I read enough reviews and interviews and other people’s opinions that I reckon I’m more than qualified to judge.

Best Picture

Will Win: No Country For Old Men
Why: Quick, the Coen brothers have started making good/serious films again, let’s encourage them by giving them the big Oscar. Besides, it’s making important points about masculinity and violence, but it’s still cool and full of fights.

Should Win: The Diving Bell & The Butterfly
Why: It’s real life! It’s sad! It’s based on a true story! It’s amazing he did it! It’s real life! It was hard for the actor! It’s based on a true story! Etc etc.

Best Director

Will Win: Coen Brothers
Why: See above

Should Win: Sarah Polley
Why: A woman has fooled the money men in to letting her direct a film. It’s not going to happen again for ten years, so we should give it to a woman while there’s one in contention.

Best Actor

Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis
Why: No-one’s seen There Will Be Blood, but we’ve seen the posters with Day-Lewis looking scary and anyway, he’s a method actor, he really suffers for it you know. And he shouts. Loads. Which anyone knows is a sign of a great performance.

Should Win: Dunno…has anyone else even been nominated? Johnny Depp
Why: He’s pretty innit.

Best Actress

Will Win: Julie Christie
Why: Oh my god! Look! There’s an old woman in a film! Am I dreaming? She’s still there! You mean it isn’t just a two-minute role? She’s still kinda attractive…for an old woman. Let’s give her a prize.

Should Win: Ellen Page
Why: She was in the only film I’ve seen of the nominations. And she was good. It would be nice for one of the performance prizes to go to a less serious piece.

Best Supporting Actor

Will Win: Javier Bardem
Why: We haven’t really heard of him properly before, he has funny hair (see Nicole Kidman and the funny nose) and giving it to Philip Seymour Hoffman is a bit like prize day at school, and the prize going to the same swot Every. Single. Year. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Should Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Why: He’s bloody brilliant in everything he does.

Best Supporting Actress
Will Win: Tilda Swinton
Why: She’s a bit scary looking, and has an aura of ‘artiness’, despite paying the bills by appearing in children’s films.

Should Win: Absolutely no-one
Why: As a protest about the ridiculously few good roles for women this year. Just because we’re going back to a 70’s aesthetic in film-making, doesn’t mean we have to return to the misogyny.